Pardon Me - He is We

This is a song that I've come across by this awesome band called "He is We" And like. It totally describes my relationship with my last boyfriend.

Pardon me for my lack of excitement,
But I’m not entirely thrilled.
S-s-stutter when I talk,
Flail around as I walk,
Yeah the moment’s been killed.

And I’m not good at this no, not all.
I’m not good at this.

I’m a wreck and I know it,
And I tend to show it every chance that I get.
Butterflies in the skies, they just fly on by.
Yeah they’re making me sick.
They don’t flutter about, I’d do without.
All they do is kick.

Mean it truly, Sincere heart.
Why do you do this to me?
Tear me apart.

It’s my fault and I know it,
And I tend to blow it, no thanks to you.
Its like you sit and you watch me,
You poke and you taunt me, it’s all that you do.
And I’m not fighting that no, not at all.
Just want to be something, a name you call.
The lips you taste just to fall, madly in love.

Mean it truly, Sincere heart.
Why do you do this to me?
Tear me apart.

I got my eyes set on you,
My heart is burning red.
All of my words come out wrong,
Run circles in my head.

You had me and I melted,
In the palm of your hand.
You know it yes I felt it,
You’ll never understand.

Mean it truly, Sincere heart.
Why do you do this to me?
Tear me apart.
Mean it truly, Sincere heart.
Why do you do this to me?
Tear me apart.

Just when you thought it was over. Here comes the rain.

I wish it was midnight. And I wish it was raining. Because then I could walk in the dark and nobody would see me. And even if they did. They wouldn't be able to tell I was crying since it would be raining.

I've just lost heart lately. With a lot of things. My parents, my schoolwork, my relationships, even God. I don't serve him like I used to. I feel so hypocritical even going on this missions trip. It's like I don't represent what I'm supposed to...with all the things I've done, and things I've said..the people I've hung out with, the way I live my entire life.

There's just something missing inside of me. I long for acceptance...
-I starve myself to get the image that people WANT me to have."Oh, get down to 110, and you'll be beautiful."
-I think that a guy will show me the love I need, because my father is never there.
-I stay with friends as often as possible because my parents fight.
-I've picked up the swearing habit, instead of my Bible.
-I cry myself to sleep every night, it doesn't matter how well the day went.

And to make it worse, I had to open my big mouth AGAIN. Ruin what could have been. AGAIN. I'm really not good with words...

And I need to go scream into a pillow now.
Just when I thought I was out of air. I can find a scream.
Just when I thought I was out of tears...
...here comes the rain.

Sooo...Here Goes Nothin. No, Seriously.

Grah. Here's my dilemma.
I've come to tthe realization that we said this whole thing would happen since day 1. And now, after 2 years of knowing eachother, it's happening. He's going to public school, we pretty much gave up on being together, and now we're awesome friends. But should it scare me that he likes another girl already, and I've just become blind to every guy...and am trying, with all I have, on getting over him? Probably not. I told him to go for her. But I still cry for him at night.

O_O Hold up. Wait a minute, let's get some thinking in it.

I SAID THAT?! I told him. To go. For her. -facedesk- Meh. All I want is us to be happy. We really do need to get our minds off of eachother.
I've pretty much made up my mind about this. We can't be, and won't be together. That's hard to say. But I'm trying to take the high road here and take the lead.

This is going to be harder than I thought. There's no getting over him, not any time soon.

Your Tears Don't Fall. They Crash Around Me.

There's some things I hate in this world more than others.
One of them is falling for a boy.

...I know this is probably me dwelling on it too much. But on Tuesday, I made up my mind not to go back to loving him. To just be really good friends. But it's just like. I can't help it. There's something wrong when you conciously tell yourself "I will NEVER love him like I did" and then you go and say "I love you" on the phone.

Can't I just make up my mind for once? The feelings always come back. And I can't stop them. I try. I surround myself with other guys. I hang around my girl friends who tell me I don't need a guy. Sure, I don't NEED one, but I want one. And they always say "Oh, Madi, there's more fish in the sea." Yeah well. I want THAT fish. >.>

I've told someone before. Out of all the guys that I've liked (3) I like this one the most. We've clicked the most, talked the most. I think I talk to him more than any other guy I know. And that's saying something. I really thought it could work. If we had just met once. Just once. It could give a little hope. But nooo. All our plans are ALWAYS shot through. It never fails.

And the thing that bothers me is. The very thought that he may be moving on. And here I am, stuck feeling this way towards him. He likes playing around, and I don't know how to take it, because it hurts to know that it could be serious. It could be. If we wanted it to. If HE wanted it to. If distance allowed. If We could just meet face to face that one time. But like I said. That thought of him moving on is heartbreaking to me. I know it will happen. And when it does, I'm in for a wake up call.

It'll almost be like him saying "Your tears don't fall. They crash around me."

Let the Waters Rise, and Get Back Up Again.

"There's a raging sea right infront of me, that wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees. So let the waters rise if you want them to, I will follow you. I will follow you." -Mikeschair

"Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare, You saw it comin' but it hit you outta no where. And theres always scars when you fall back far." - Tobymac

I've noticed that both of these songs describe my life lately. Earlier this week, I told God to take away the one thing I was most focused on. That was blocking my view of him. I told him to let the waters rise because I knew he would do what was best for me. Yesterday, he took the one thing I didn't want him to take, And I guess that's why he did it. I just didn't think it would hurt this much. Which brings me to the second song...

I saw it coming, yes. I knew it would happen eventually. It just. Hit me like a trainwreck. I wasn't expecting it to happen that soon. A few weeks from now maybe...possibly a month or so yes. But. Yesterday? Everything had been going so well. At least on my end...and. It's almost like. We did something that wasn't supposed to happen so God just ended it. Just like that. But I knew it was because I told him to take that one thing away. I just. I want it back. But God doesn't always give you what you want, and neither does life.

Life isn't always fair, I am more than aware of that. If I had what I wanted, I would have moved a long time ago, to be closer. We'd see eachother every day, and be best friends, maybe more. I would actually be allowed to have this blog, my AIM, and PACSC. Or maybe I'd be in public school, because people wouldn't judge eachother. The kids in Africa wouldn't starve. And abortions would be illegal, and they would never happen. Maybe there wouldn't be stereotypes. There might even POSSIBLY be world peace! But that's Madi's world. Not this world.
We can't alway have what we want, so we might as well take what we do have and run with it.

So Lord, let the waters rise, and I'll get back up again.

Forgive and Forget.

I just keep replaying a conversation in my head. One that I had with a friend. And one line that I said just totally stuck out to me. A line which she replied to. And I came back with yet another mind boggling line. I still can't believe it.

"We'll get through it. it's just a lesson on what characteristics to look out for next time..and which ones to run away from."

"Yup, but it sucks that it's something that has to be learned."

"Yeah I know right? But. All in all. I think he changed my life in a good way. Helped me to learn who I was. And though I'm not ready to just forgive and forget, I do think I'll talk to him again one day."

It sometimes scares me on how hostile I can be sometimes, and then other times, even though certain people have hurt me SO much. I want to just hug them, and tell them it's okay.
I just recently had a falling through with a boy that I cared so much about. I wanted more than anything to just be with him. But life doesn't always give us what we want. And it just so happened that we lived 4 hours apart. This boy and I just clicked, so much. We could talk about anything. And it seemed like it was too good to be true. Because it was.
This boy had hurt me once already. And I forgave him almost instantly. Why? Because I still cared about him. And it's not like me to hold grudges. I just found out recently that there were some underlying issues in our relationship, and some of those things bothered me a lot. It made me feel used, played. It shattered my heart to peices. As you can imagine, I still feel this way. I am not ready to let this go. I won't, because I refuse to let people just walk on me anymore. I will not hold this against him for months and months, but I will keep my distance until I heal. My heart was completely visable to this boy. Giving him every opportunity to smash it, or to protect it, to give it love. It got it's love for a while, and then every so often it would recieve a blow or two.
What really upsets me is that. As I sit here and dwell in my own problems, there are friends of mine that have their own relationship problems, and they need my help. They always come to me before anyone else and when I have my own problems, I tend to not fully listen to theirs. In my little group, I am basically the relationship mender. The psychologist, the problem fixer. And I can't even help myself right now. But I will do what I need to do for my friends. I will make them smile, make them laugh. Even if I can't do it myself. I will fake a smile for them. And I will forget about myself for a while. Because they need me.
Have you ever just felt so played, so used that you wonder if it was just a game to the other person, to sit back and watch you open up like a book to them? For you to just trust so much. To tell them about your past. And what you've done. And to tell them your hopes and dreams. Have you ever wondered if they just laughed inside when you said "I love you" and didn't really mean it when they said it back? Have you ever wondered whether anything that came out of their mouth was true? Whether all the time and effort you spent talking to them, worrying about them, thinking of and missing them, was just all time wasted? I have. I have A LOT. Especially today.
On the opposite side of the coin, do you ever think it was a test from God? Or that maybe, just maybe, God put them in your life to teach you a lesson. Or to change you for the better. Maybe this situation helped me. Maybe it helped me to begin to trust again for a while, or maybe...maybe all I needed was that bit of friendship. And it turned into something more, but it wasn't quite the right time so God stopped it. Maybe this is supposed to be the real test. The test of whether I can really forgive. Or whether he can really love just one girl.
This hurts. It really does. And I won't open up to anyone for a while. But I know that when I heal, I'll be able to face him again. I'll be able to talk to him, even through everything he's done to hurt me.
I'll be able to forgive, and forget.

Confessions of a borderline anorexic.

"He will take your dark, distorted view, and with his light he will show you truth, and again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl."



That is part of a song called "More Beautiful you" by Johnny Diaz. I already knew this song, but yesterday, my friend Aaron came to my house just out of the blue and told me to get in his car. He actually scared me a little, but my parents said okay and he drove out to our most favorite place...which is the empty field that we met at. Our youth group had gone there in the middle of winter just to mess around in the snow, and we instantly clicked. so we just go there now just to run around and act like idiots.
Anyways, he stopped the car and he gave me a very serious look. Apparently my friend Kelsi told him that I was somewhat anorexic and as soon as she told him, he came to get me. Right in the middle of their missions practice. He left. And as he asked me what I was thinking, I just thought to myself. "I'm not. I'm NOT thinking."
I told him my problem and he simply said "Listen" and turned on the song. I started bawling halfway through, and when the song was over he got out of the car and came over to my side and got me out. He gave me this hug I will always remember and said to me "There will NEVER be a more beautiful you. You are gorgeous just the way you are." And he just hugged be for a long, long time.
He then put out a blanket and got out sandwiches and made me eat. xD Gotta love Aaron. Then we ran around and screamed like idiots and tried to catch eachother, just as normal friends do.

I don't look anorexic. Because I'm trying to hide it for as long as possible. But I do only eat one meal a day, if any, and on youth trips, most of which are 3-5 days long, I barely eat at all.
There's been multiple people in my past that have told me I'm fat. One of my boyfriends even told me "Get down to 115lbs, and you'll be pretty." He told me not to eat a lot of the foods I actually ate, and so I pretty much just stopped eating. A lot of times, I give the food my mom makes for me to my dog, or I just throw it away.
A lot of times, I don't put on dresses, or wear shorts any shorter than at my knees. I stretch out a lot of my shirts before I wear them, to make myself feel smaller. It's only rare that I will put on a dress or wear shorter shorts, or wear fitted shirts. I have to be in a mood. And that mood doesn't come often.
I've told only a few friends. The ones I truly trust. The one makes me show him what I've eaten sometimes, makes me take a picture. And he's told me that if I don't eat, he won't talk to me. Because he knows that I can't go without talking to him. Another one has given me suggestions on little things to eat, and when to eat them. She even found someone to monitor me and make sure I eat on my missions trip. Good friends that won't judge you, and that will help you like that are hard to come by. I am truly grateful for them. All of them.

And with my secret out, I'd like to say a few things. It's my only hope that someone reading this who might be struggling with the same problem will get help like I am. I want to say something directly to you. And no one else. And that is this:
God made you the way you are for a reason. And you are beautiful the way he created you. Don't be like me and make the mirror your enemy. Don't steer clear of public events or make yourself the outcast because you're afraid people might be looking at your weight. If they are, ignore them, they don't matter. The people you want to care about will be looking at your personality. And when you realize that, you will shine.
Just so you know. There can NEVER be a more beautiful you.
I'm working to turn myself around. You can too.

"To my dearest.."...future husband?

So I have a friend of mine that told me when my boyfriend and I broke up that God never takes anything away without giving you something better. I believe that. She also told me that she keeps journals. But these aren't just any type of journal. These are journals full of letters. And these letters begin with "To my future husband".
So she writes to her future husband about her day, about all the boys that treat her like nothing, and tells him that she's so glad he's waitng for her and such. She confides in him and asks for advice, and gives him her own about possible girls that ay be treating him wrong. She's going to bundle up all the journals full of letters and give them to him as a wedding gift when they get married.
I am doing the same exact thing. I think all girls should. It helps keep your mind in check.

So to my dearest future husband, I love you. And I can't wait until the day we meet, face to face.

Picky, picky, picky...

Okay so this is one of my more serious rants. Please buckle your seat belts and prepare for a slight dizzy sensation. The exits are at the top right-hand corner of your computer screen, and another is available you you by pressing alt+f4. We apologize if you think too much and get a headache, but please either suck it up, or grab some ibuprofen and comment below. Please keep all appendages inside your chair at all times, and please enjoy the ride.


I had to warn you.



There's just something that really bothers me. It's the fact that if I were to return to Susquenita, and even take 3 steps inside those doors, I'd be eaten alive. People would look me up and down, judging every aspect of me before I even said a word. Not to mention I'd get "OUTCAST" stamped on my head and I'd be automatically thrown on the bottom of the popularity list.
I'd be called fat, stupid, braceface, metal mouth, goodie goodie, teacher's pet, whore, slut, bitch. Anything and everything that I had been called the last time I was in public school. I'd probably start doing the things I did before, trying to get the pain to go away.
Honestly people. Why the hell does it matter what name is stamped onto your clothing, or who made the makeup you wear? Why does every girl need to wear short shorts and mini skirts, low cut shirts and tons of makeup? And why does every guy need to be a player, and date 5 different girls at a time, get laid by a so-called "hott" girl, and have a 6-pack in order for people to like him?
Think about it. All the nice people go unnoticed. The ones in the backround that are true friends, actually HAVE MORALS, and will keep your secrets instead of telling the whole school. The good girls who will actually stay true in a relationship and not whore around, the guys who will really treat a girl with the respect they deserve. The people who you can 100% trust not to stab you in the back.
When you grow up and have kids, do you want them to be picked on, used, and abused? OF COURSE NOT! So why should we do the same thing to our peers? It's just not right. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but there's cliques everywhere, is there not? I was talking to a friend about this today. There's even cliques in my youth group. How disgustingly wrong is that? We're supposed to be the Christians, reaching out to anyone and everyone. And there's a certain clique of girls that nothing matters but makeup and looks. And that's what they judge on.
Like take last Saturday for instance. A group of us went to Allison Hill for an outreach. That group of girls was with us, and then there was my friend Kelsi and I. The one girl from the more popular group got a few splinters. And everyone was all crowded around her saying "OMG ARE YOU OKAY?!" Blah blah blah. So I look over and Kelsi's crying because her hand was hurt. It was all black and blue, and she couldn't move her fingers at all. Did anyone pay attention to her? No. Of course not. And Why? Because she wasn't in the popular group. I was the only one who said anything to her, and I had to step up and say "Uhm. HELLO. Kelsi's hurt." And what pisses me off is that the one girl, when Kelsi was taken to get ice, said "Oh just get a sharp rock, we can amputate." I was like. No you didn't. But kept my mouth shut.

My main point here is. There shouldn't be any type of barrier, and my GOD. Especially in a youth group.We need to step up and reach out to people, and remember the golden rule that we were taught as kindergarteners. "Do unto others what you would have others do unto you"

Good morning sunshine, the Earth says "Hello"! "The Earth can screw off".

I've been up since 4. Yup. I went to bed at 11, fell asleep at 1, and slept till 4.
Now I'm laying in my bed, on my left side, in a hoodie and shorts. Typing with one hand. Why? because I'm cold and too lazy and/or tired to sit up. And my left arm is injured.
Yet I'm laying on it. O.o Shows how smart I am...
But hey, I guess you lose a few braincells when you decide to amuse your boyfriend by getting high off of a whipped cream bottle.
I'm so flippin tired it's not even funny. I'm going to end up walking into few doors today, I know it...(Adam Bobic I know what you're thinking xD)
Anyways, good morning people. I'll have a few more posts sometime during the course of the day. I was going to make this post on the longer side but I'm too tired. Hah.
And really, you're all up too early. Tell the Earth to screw off.