I wish it was midnight. And I wish it was raining. Because then I could walk in the dark and nobody would see me. And even if they did. They wouldn't be able to tell I was crying since it would be raining.
I've just lost heart lately. With a lot of things. My parents, my schoolwork, my relationships, even God. I don't serve him like I used to. I feel so hypocritical even going on this missions trip. It's like I don't represent what I'm supposed to...with all the things I've done, and things I've said..the people I've hung out with, the way I live my entire life.
There's just something missing inside of me. I long for acceptance...
-I starve myself to get the image that people WANT me to have."Oh, get down to 110, and you'll be beautiful."
-I think that a guy will show me the love I need, because my father is never there.
-I stay with friends as often as possible because my parents fight.
-I've picked up the swearing habit, instead of my Bible.
-I cry myself to sleep every night, it doesn't matter how well the day went.
And to make it worse, I had to open my big mouth AGAIN. Ruin what could have been. AGAIN. I'm really not good with words...
And I need to go scream into a pillow now.
Just when I thought I was out of air. I can find a scream.
Just when I thought I was out of tears...
...here comes the rain.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Sooo...Here Goes Nothin. No, Seriously.
Grah. Here's my dilemma.
I've come to tthe realization that we said this whole thing would happen since day 1. And now, after 2 years of knowing eachother, it's happening. He's going to public school, we pretty much gave up on being together, and now we're awesome friends. But should it scare me that he likes another girl already, and I've just become blind to every guy...and am trying, with all I have, on getting over him? Probably not. I told him to go for her. But I still cry for him at night.
O_O Hold up. Wait a minute, let's get some thinking in it.
I SAID THAT?! I told him. To go. For her. -facedesk- Meh. All I want is us to be happy. We really do need to get our minds off of eachother.
I've pretty much made up my mind about this. We can't be, and won't be together. That's hard to say. But I'm trying to take the high road here and take the lead.
This is going to be harder than I thought. There's no getting over him, not any time soon.
I've come to tthe realization that we said this whole thing would happen since day 1. And now, after 2 years of knowing eachother, it's happening. He's going to public school, we pretty much gave up on being together, and now we're awesome friends. But should it scare me that he likes another girl already, and I've just become blind to every guy...and am trying, with all I have, on getting over him? Probably not. I told him to go for her. But I still cry for him at night.
O_O Hold up. Wait a minute, let's get some thinking in it.
I SAID THAT?! I told him. To go. For her. -facedesk- Meh. All I want is us to be happy. We really do need to get our minds off of eachother.
I've pretty much made up my mind about this. We can't be, and won't be together. That's hard to say. But I'm trying to take the high road here and take the lead.
This is going to be harder than I thought. There's no getting over him, not any time soon.
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