Confessions of a borderline anorexic.

"He will take your dark, distorted view, and with his light he will show you truth, and again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl."



That is part of a song called "More Beautiful you" by Johnny Diaz. I already knew this song, but yesterday, my friend Aaron came to my house just out of the blue and told me to get in his car. He actually scared me a little, but my parents said okay and he drove out to our most favorite place...which is the empty field that we met at. Our youth group had gone there in the middle of winter just to mess around in the snow, and we instantly clicked. so we just go there now just to run around and act like idiots.
Anyways, he stopped the car and he gave me a very serious look. Apparently my friend Kelsi told him that I was somewhat anorexic and as soon as she told him, he came to get me. Right in the middle of their missions practice. He left. And as he asked me what I was thinking, I just thought to myself. "I'm not. I'm NOT thinking."
I told him my problem and he simply said "Listen" and turned on the song. I started bawling halfway through, and when the song was over he got out of the car and came over to my side and got me out. He gave me this hug I will always remember and said to me "There will NEVER be a more beautiful you. You are gorgeous just the way you are." And he just hugged be for a long, long time.
He then put out a blanket and got out sandwiches and made me eat. xD Gotta love Aaron. Then we ran around and screamed like idiots and tried to catch eachother, just as normal friends do.

I don't look anorexic. Because I'm trying to hide it for as long as possible. But I do only eat one meal a day, if any, and on youth trips, most of which are 3-5 days long, I barely eat at all.
There's been multiple people in my past that have told me I'm fat. One of my boyfriends even told me "Get down to 115lbs, and you'll be pretty." He told me not to eat a lot of the foods I actually ate, and so I pretty much just stopped eating. A lot of times, I give the food my mom makes for me to my dog, or I just throw it away.
A lot of times, I don't put on dresses, or wear shorts any shorter than at my knees. I stretch out a lot of my shirts before I wear them, to make myself feel smaller. It's only rare that I will put on a dress or wear shorter shorts, or wear fitted shirts. I have to be in a mood. And that mood doesn't come often.
I've told only a few friends. The ones I truly trust. The one makes me show him what I've eaten sometimes, makes me take a picture. And he's told me that if I don't eat, he won't talk to me. Because he knows that I can't go without talking to him. Another one has given me suggestions on little things to eat, and when to eat them. She even found someone to monitor me and make sure I eat on my missions trip. Good friends that won't judge you, and that will help you like that are hard to come by. I am truly grateful for them. All of them.

And with my secret out, I'd like to say a few things. It's my only hope that someone reading this who might be struggling with the same problem will get help like I am. I want to say something directly to you. And no one else. And that is this:
God made you the way you are for a reason. And you are beautiful the way he created you. Don't be like me and make the mirror your enemy. Don't steer clear of public events or make yourself the outcast because you're afraid people might be looking at your weight. If they are, ignore them, they don't matter. The people you want to care about will be looking at your personality. And when you realize that, you will shine.
Just so you know. There can NEVER be a more beautiful you.
I'm working to turn myself around. You can too.