Forgive and Forget.

I just keep replaying a conversation in my head. One that I had with a friend. And one line that I said just totally stuck out to me. A line which she replied to. And I came back with yet another mind boggling line. I still can't believe it.

"We'll get through it. it's just a lesson on what characteristics to look out for next time..and which ones to run away from."

"Yup, but it sucks that it's something that has to be learned."

"Yeah I know right? But. All in all. I think he changed my life in a good way. Helped me to learn who I was. And though I'm not ready to just forgive and forget, I do think I'll talk to him again one day."

It sometimes scares me on how hostile I can be sometimes, and then other times, even though certain people have hurt me SO much. I want to just hug them, and tell them it's okay.
I just recently had a falling through with a boy that I cared so much about. I wanted more than anything to just be with him. But life doesn't always give us what we want. And it just so happened that we lived 4 hours apart. This boy and I just clicked, so much. We could talk about anything. And it seemed like it was too good to be true. Because it was.
This boy had hurt me once already. And I forgave him almost instantly. Why? Because I still cared about him. And it's not like me to hold grudges. I just found out recently that there were some underlying issues in our relationship, and some of those things bothered me a lot. It made me feel used, played. It shattered my heart to peices. As you can imagine, I still feel this way. I am not ready to let this go. I won't, because I refuse to let people just walk on me anymore. I will not hold this against him for months and months, but I will keep my distance until I heal. My heart was completely visable to this boy. Giving him every opportunity to smash it, or to protect it, to give it love. It got it's love for a while, and then every so often it would recieve a blow or two.
What really upsets me is that. As I sit here and dwell in my own problems, there are friends of mine that have their own relationship problems, and they need my help. They always come to me before anyone else and when I have my own problems, I tend to not fully listen to theirs. In my little group, I am basically the relationship mender. The psychologist, the problem fixer. And I can't even help myself right now. But I will do what I need to do for my friends. I will make them smile, make them laugh. Even if I can't do it myself. I will fake a smile for them. And I will forget about myself for a while. Because they need me.
Have you ever just felt so played, so used that you wonder if it was just a game to the other person, to sit back and watch you open up like a book to them? For you to just trust so much. To tell them about your past. And what you've done. And to tell them your hopes and dreams. Have you ever wondered if they just laughed inside when you said "I love you" and didn't really mean it when they said it back? Have you ever wondered whether anything that came out of their mouth was true? Whether all the time and effort you spent talking to them, worrying about them, thinking of and missing them, was just all time wasted? I have. I have A LOT. Especially today.
On the opposite side of the coin, do you ever think it was a test from God? Or that maybe, just maybe, God put them in your life to teach you a lesson. Or to change you for the better. Maybe this situation helped me. Maybe it helped me to begin to trust again for a while, or maybe...maybe all I needed was that bit of friendship. And it turned into something more, but it wasn't quite the right time so God stopped it. Maybe this is supposed to be the real test. The test of whether I can really forgive. Or whether he can really love just one girl.
This hurts. It really does. And I won't open up to anyone for a while. But I know that when I heal, I'll be able to face him again. I'll be able to talk to him, even through everything he's done to hurt me.
I'll be able to forgive, and forget.